Year In Review

Posted: December 27, 2016 in Life
Tags: , , ,

I was browsing through my notes and decided to compile the things I have written through out this year that I didn’t post out here or left unfinished , for one reason or another, into a single post. 2016 has been a bad year not just for me but for most of the people around me and boy am I ready for it to end (like yesterday!). As the year is drawing to a close, and what better way to reflect on it than compiling what I’ve wrote about things as they were happening, right?

On Panic Atthediscotacks

I had a panic attack last night. We were dancing and having fun on the eve of the eve of the Ethiopian New Year. It was supposed to be a fun night, a way to end the year on a better note. I started drinking early in the night, before the party even began. It started with red wine which was quickly emptied out. Then came white wine and red again, Rosé and a little Jin & Tonic (Okay, alot of Gin & Tonic) and at some point during the night I lost count on how many different drinks have made their way into my Mason jar and my system. It was a fun night and then it wasn’t.

So I sat there, cluching my Mason jar filled with God knows what having a panic attack for the first time in my life. Each molecule of oxygen I breath in fighting for the next. Each breathe more painful than the last. I wanted to scream out and call out to my friends in the other room but I could barely even breathe let alone make out words. How could you when you’re chocking on your own breathe? I was scared seating on the floor in the dark empty room and I wished for the air I always took for granted. Funny how it’s when you can’t breath you appreciate the simple act of breathing.

On Drugs, a Wasted Summer and Post Birthday Blues

Where do I even begin? I’m writing this while I am waiting for a Piassa taxi on my way to buy weed because I have alot of things on my mind and the only source of release I’d ever get from all these whrilwind of emotions is by writing. And weed (which is why I am on my way to meet my dealer).

This summer has been, for lack of a better word, underwhelming. It went by so fast. You’re seating here rolling at the end of june and before you realise it, the dog days of summer have sneaked up on you before you’re even done with that joint. Seriously, where did the summer go? I still remember (barely) my excitement for finishing exams, my birthday which signaled the start of summer and an internship at an environmental firm. In theory, it had the makings of a great summer but it all went down hill after my birthday.
Weed guy is here. 🙂

On an unsent New Year Text Message

The most important thing that this year has thought me is that to never expect the expected. I had a clear plan and idea on how the year was going to turn out but every day has been a twist in another never ending turn. This year might have been a lot of (badbadnotgood) things but it was never dull. So thank you all of you, as I count the hours to the end of the year I couldn’t be more proud to have braved the storm with all of you guys and cannot wait to do so this new year too. I don’t need a kiss to usher in the new year(although that wouldn’t be a bad idea), just the thought of you guys in my life keeps me warm at night. And I am gonna sleep like a baby, I deserve it! 


On Friends and unfinished poems

1

Friend ships

Best friend ships

the kind that never sink

That never get overflowed  with your unending tears

a ship that you’ve been sailing for years now

when the tide is hard and wind is bad

when the fucking storm makes you lose your mind

After all you have friends that understand your vague texts in the middle of the night because they know what you’re talking about

Because they know YOU.

2

Emotions pour out like a spilled drink at a party

Tears make their way down cheeks like rain drops on a window sill

Clean up on Isle 5
BRING LOTS AND LOTS OF TISSUE PAPER!!!!!!!!

And vodka, Vodka will be nice

But I will settle for anything that will wash down these fucking emotions that just don’t seem to go away

No matter how much I try

And I ask my self, why?

Why do all of my poems have to be sad?

About depression, alchol and everything that falls through the cracks?

But then again, Happy doesn’t make a good poem does it?

Happy only thinks about being happy. 

And that mother fucker is fleeting

but sadness lingers

lurks in the background 

It sinks it’s teeth in so deep and refuses to let go

and after a while you forget it was there

untill you don’t.

My best friend said “Art doesn’t come from a happy place”

A quick look at my…. (what’s the poetry equivalent of a discography or a portfolio?) and you will see so…

On being tired (of being tired) and Moving

Everything has to get better. It has to. Otherwise everything we all have gone (and continue to go)  through has been for nothing. It will get better. It has no choice but to. Because I am tired. I’m way past tired. And I don’t want to be tired anymore. I’m tired of being tired. I want to rest. I want to go to bed knowing there is nothing threatening to crush me or my loved ones to death and I want to wake up knowing it’s going to be a GOOD day “ain’t nobody gonna cry today, ain’t nobody gonna die today” kinda good day (and preferably not in this godforsaken place!) 
I have decided that I am going to move to New York. I don’t know how I’m going to get there, nor do I know when but I am going to. And as each day goes by I feel more sure about my decision to do so. I don’t remember the last time I have wanted something so badly, the closest thing I can think of is joining AAU School of Law. Which I did. Every Single move I will be making from now on , I feel like, in a more grander scheme, is going to lead up to me ending up there. I don’t know. I just feel that way

On a hopeful note, horse shit and Change

Things are changing. Things are gonna change. But for once, it’s gonna be for the better. The change is going to be mind numbingly hard, it’s going to be a take-you-by-your-ponytail-and-drag-you-around-in-shit kinda change but it’s going to be for the better. That’s the only way to look at it. That’s the only way it’s going to be worth it. Worth all the fucking shit we collectively as a family, as individuals, have gotten draged through. I have to tell myself this over and over again to get me through the day. The night might be young and full of terror, but the day is just as bright as the the crystal clear clarity you get at the end of a reality check. But for once, I don’t need a reality check, I know what the fucking reality is like! It’s fucking horse shit! (don’t ask me why horse shit is shittier than other shit, I wouldn’t know) and I don’t like it. Can’t escape it I know, but I don’t like it none the less.

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Comments
  1. makenzblog says:

    Great Piece Antwan 😉 really enjoyed the read!

    Like

  2. methehippie says:

    you write. i read. i fall in love with your writing all over. thanks for the wonderful experience.

    Like

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